a new way to be human

I have to be honest--I go through life a lot of the time trying to PROTECT myself at all costs from "feeling"...things happen that are sad, or hard to hear, and I try to go to a remote place ... where the actual events in my mind are an arms length away ... and I will not allow myself to be affected by that moment, issue, emotion, or problem...basically I will pour myself into whatever task is at hand, and get extremely focused, so I do not have to feel...

It really started when my college roommate died back in 1999...it was a sudden death, and the last time I had seen her was 3 months prior at her wedding of all places...and how do you deal with that? How do you handle watching her husband stand by her casket? I think that was a very defining moment in my life, in the sense that without knowing how to handle that deep pain, I bottled it up, and did not deal with it.

I vividly remember going back home from Kelly's funeral...I lived in KY then and was in grad school, and I remember the morning after the funeral I was riding my bike to class...my mind was racing about all the crap I needed to get done after missing 5 days of class and work...and I hit the brakes on my bike and stopped----the harshest of all realities hit me--life goes on. Life actually goes on after all of that pain.

Honestly, that was a pill to swallow...and because of the funeral, the sudden death, and the deep, incomprehensible sadness...that was the moment when I started to protect my heart at all costs of getting hurt.

hindsight is 20/20...at that moment, I had no idea what I was doing...I was putting a hard shell around my heart that would help me to not FEEL, to not be vulnerable, and to have little emotion, esp. as it relates to tragic events.

Well I think yesterday I took a BIG step towards allowing myself to feel...a lot of crap is going on in my life, and all of my friends’ lives. I am afraid 2007 has not brought a ton of great news for many around me, and yesterday was one of the worst days ... without going into too much detail...I had to sit around and watch many people go through pain...and it was awful. And honestly, all day long, I tried to ignore the pain and sadness I felt...but by 8 pm last night, it broke me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to my feelings, and I was sad, mad, anxious and a whole host of emotions...it has been so painful to "feel", and to feel so terrible for the others...it is hard to put into words...

I woke up this morning thanking God that he allowed me to feel...and please know...there are a lot of people waking up today to a harsh reality, and for me to be like "Yeah! I can feel" is like a slap in the face...but it is not meant to be a slap at all...at all.

I thought of this song below, A New Way To Be Human...and I know that God is moving in all of this pain in our lives and in all of the situations, and telling us that there is a better way, and that He is the way...and that He brings redemption.

And as He can bring redemption in my life in the area of vulnerability and feeling, He brings redemption to all of those hurting.

here are the lyrics...

A New Way To Be Human...Switchfoot

Everyday it's the same thing
Another trend has begun
Hey kids, this might be the one

It's a race to be noticed
And it's leaving us numb
Hey kids, we can't be the ones

With all of our fashion
We're still incomplete
The God of redemption
Could break our routine

There's a new way to be human
It's nothing we've ever been
There's a new way to be human
New way to be human

And where is our inspiration?
When all the heroes are gone
Hey kids, could we be the ones?

'Cause nobody's famous
And nobody's fine
We all need forgiveness
We're longing inside

There's a new way to be human
It's nothing we've ever been
There's a new way to be human
It's spreading under my skin
There's a new way to be human
Where divinity blends
With a new way to be human
New way to be human

You're throwing your love across
my impossible space
You've created me
Take me out of me into...

A new way to be human
To a new way to be human

You're a new way to be human
Where my humanity bends
To a new way to be human
Redemption begins

You're a new way to be human
You're the only way to be human

At the 25-mile mark of the marathon, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and I threw myself into the moment and burst into tears, knowing I would complete the marathon. I allowed myself to enjoy it and be PROUD of myself, and honestly, that never happens...I never allow myself to "settle" or enjoy what I have accomplished...

It was a new way to be human for me...let me encourage those who are being tested...redemption always comes...rarely does it look exactly like what we think...but it comes.

Leigh